Thursday, December 11, 2008

SAH Mom's Wish List

Dear Santa,

I am a 34-year-old stay-at-home mom and Believer. I have been very, very good this year. For example, I passed up all Gymboree clothing that was not on sale. I did the dishes and laundry every single night with no complaints. (Well, very few complaints.) I volunteered at the preschool and in other community organizations to the extent that my husband has begun asking if I could simply be a "Stay-At-Home" stay-at-home mom so that he could spend time with me before I turn 40. I don't ask for much and I know you prefer guided direction to a guessing game, so here's my wish list... The majority of items are available at Target, which is my idea of a true wonderland.

1. Grown-up toothpaste. As much as I like the "Sparkle Fun" flavor that dispenses in star shapes in every shade of pink, I'd really like some plain, old-fashined mint toothpaste. Please make sure no one uses this toothpaste and that no superheros advertise it. I'd also like to request that said toothpaste does not stick to the bottom of sink basins.

2. Clean Car Carpets. I know they won't last long, Santa, but could you please have the reindeer scrub my car's carpets with an OTC spot cleanser? They have grown crusty and are a complete embarassment when the Preschool Volunteers get my children out of our Ford during car line in the morning. (If you happen to unearth Elizabeth's missing maryjane shoe, please put it under the tree in the living room. They are from Stride Rite and very expensive.)

3. Pens with Ink. I am perfectly positive that my grocery list would be more coherent and that I'd never forget the Kleenex if I owned pens that actually worked.

4. Toilet Paper Roll. William flushed away our toilet paper roll sometime in September and I've yet to replace it. (If you could please slip a check for $85 into Jim's stocking, that would cover the cost of the plumber having to fish it out of the latrine. No, I didn't want to sanitize the found spindle, Santa. That's just gross--especially after William ate a lot of spaghetti.)

5. A tasty protein-filled, high-fiber cracker. My children live on crackers (specifically Wheat Thins) and I'm pretty sure there isn't much value to them other than crunch. In fact, William has substituted crackers for fruit/veggies/protein for so long, I'm beginning to suspect he has rickets. Or maybe it is scurvy...

6. A decent-looking Hannah Montanna Barbie. I'd like to suggest that the elves put together a doll with a slightly less demonic-looking facial expression so that I don't frighten myself when I put away the toys. I'd also like to request that she wear crotch-covering skirts and have hair that does not look better than mine. Also, if she could come with an "off" button, that'd be greatly appreciated.

7. Cute Orthodic Shoes. I've asked for these every year since I was pregnant and henceforth ruined my feet, yet I have yet to find a pair of wedges that does not scream "public school bus driver." (No offense to those ferrying our children to and from the halls of learning. I know what it means to be uncomfortable so I won't hold the Fashion Don't against you.)

8. A Soda Fountain. I like my Diet Coke extra fizzy but with light ice. I have to go to a drive-thru for this combination yet no one can seem to get the porportions straight. If only I could do it myself...

9. A cord keeper. I have so many cords encircling my desk that I look like I'm manning the flight deck at NASA. Worse yet, my kids keep tripping over said cords when they're playing Scooby Doo under my desk and crashing my computer.

10. Telepathy. This would allow my husband and I to anticipate one another's needs. He thinks you gave him this gift last year but I'm here to tell you that you forgot to flip the "on" switch.

Merry Christmas, Santa. Have a safe trip. We'll leave the lights on for you.



Laura said...

Thank you for the gift ideas Julie. I don't own a reindeer, but maybe I can attach scrub brushes on the paws of my German Shepherd. I think he might do a fine job scurbbing your car carpets as he fights to get free. Throw a squirrel in there and he might clean your apolstery as well.
Merry Christmas!

Julie said...

Maybe he could mulch my garden while he's at it?