Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Man v. Food

Adam Richman eats crazy foods in crazy amounts for a living on the Travel Channel's televised series, "Man v. Food."
My husband, a culinary daredevil, watched entranced earlier this month as the cable host attempted to eat a seven-pound burrio without throwing up. Mr. Richman has also been known to suck down a dozen milkshakes, several piles of pancakes, layers of crabs peppered in insanely hot spices, etc. In addition to enjoying severe indigetion, the chief reward appears to be earning his name atop a hand-scrawled list at the local joint in which served the meal. (Not to mention a handsome paycheck from the Travel Channel.)
But I have task that will make those meals look like kiddie lunchbox fare: Adam Richman, I challenge you to try--just try--to swallow two prenal vitamin pills without vomiting.
To the unindoctrinated, this might sound easy.
However, as someone who has endured--and uncermoneiously "rerouted"--several versions of prenatal pills, I assure it is an assignment not to be taken lightly.
Before we begin, we must treat Mr. Richman to some local color--and that color in the first several months of pregnancy is, of course, green.
We'll serve him eight to ten vodka shots per day for four weeks prior to the challenge so as to simulate the nausea that afflicts those who consume prenatal pills on a regular basis.
Just before downing the pills, he'll then spin himself in circles for upwards of 15 minutes and/or ride a Tilt-a-Whirl to level the playing field further.
Next, our fair host will eat some bad shellfish topped with overly sweet Rocky Road ice cream.
Finally, we'll ask him to swallow the pills.
Despite advances in modern medicine, I regret to inform our contestant that the majority of prenatal pills are the size of Mini Cooper cars.
It must also be noted they smell like poop and are the consistency of chalk.
If our host doesn't choke on the mere size or smell of the pill, he'll find it will lodge at the back of his throat like an errant chicken bone.
No amount of water of milk will be able to wash away its presence.
Then, it is time for the DHA supplement, which apparently aids brain development in fetusus but causes most pregnant women to pray for an out-of-body experience.
Unfortunately, the pill is packaged in a floating, round disc and is oily.
This, is combination with the gigantic first pill, causes problems for those with even legendary iron stomachs.
We are not unkind, however. We will promise to stage the challenge in a bathroom laid with cool tile flooring, which we are sure Mr. Richman will enjoy pressing his forhead against following his consumption of said pills.
Of course, we will open keep the toilet lid open at all times.
Should Mr. Richman perform admirably--and we do hope he'll master this mission--we will treat him to plastic surgery that will include implanting an eight-pound bowling ball into his gut.
Mr. Richman, let me know when you're ready for the challenge--I'll be happy to share my supply of prenatal pills with you.

4 comments:

Jamie said...

OMG - these DHA supplements must be new! I didn't have to take them with Chi. You've got me rethinking a second pregnancy here....

blessedintexas said...

Oh, I feel for you. I know all too well what you are going through. But hang in there and your wonderful little miracle will be in your arms before you know it! And with the nausea gone, you'll have more time to write about your new lack of sleep! Oh, isn't motherhood splendid!

Eudae-Mamia said...

A beautiful picture you just painted. So vivid I could almost taste those damn things again.

Ew.

Hang on, only a couple more weeks and you'll be over the hurdle. You might want to take this time to stock up on Tums.

AngieB said...

There's a reason God thought women should carry and bear the wee ones. Man may be able to down 12 milkshakes, but he would never be able to do what you do!